A Joyous Magical Feeling
by cre8ive.ovadose
Summary: Sebastian and Nick are the youngest members of Alegria's touring troupe - they are also the only gay members. Despite being from opposing acts, they find themselves swiftly falling in love. But their friends don't approve and they soon find themselves learning the hard way what Alegria really means. Cirque du Soleil AU. Nickbastian. Brief Sebadam. Warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

Rating: M

Summary: Sebastian and Nick are the youngest members of Alegria's touring troupe - they are also the only gay members. Despite being from opposing acts, they find themselves swiftly falling in love. But their friends don't approve and they soon find themselves learning the hard way what Alegria really means. Cirque du Soleil AU. Nickbastian. Brief Sebadam. Warnings inside.

Characters: Sebastian, Nick, Adam

Warnings: Self-harm, attempted suicide, injury, past abuse, swearing, depiction of smoking, sex, sexual references, violence, homophobia, discrimination, cheating (As usual, this is a list for the whole story. Chapters will have warnings tailored to their content).

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil. Title taken from Cirque du Soleil song, "Alegria".

A/N: A couple of things before we get started: Power track = "x" shaped trampoline. Russian bars… I'm not sure how to explain that one. There are videos on YouTube, just search "Alegria Russian Bars" for the act from the show. And because I like challenging myself (read: making things difficult for myself), this fic will also feature a bit of French. I'll footnote the French with translations at the end of each chapter in my A/Ns. Enjoy :)

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**A JOYOUS MAGICAL FEELING – CHAPTER 1:**

_If you have no voice: Scream.  
If you have no legs: Run.  
If you have no hope: Invent. –from _Alegria

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Sebastian Smythe felt like a creep as he stood outside the tour bus, cigarette hanging from his lip as he tried to decide who his new target was. Of course there was only one target and narrowing it down from nearly a hundred people was difficult. Especially considering that they were split between two buses. But he was determined.

One of the contortionists, Ana, approached him with an amused expression. "Scouting the town, Smythe?" she asked, her Russian accent still thick despite her many years travelling the States.

"Always Ana," Sebastian replied as he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out. "But it seems the two of us are the last to board so I suppose my luck has run out."

Ana laughed as she climbed onto the bus, Sebastian following. "You make me laugh, Sebby."

"I'm here to entertain," he said with a laugh of his own before he realised there was only one seat left. Next to the one boy Sebastian had never really got to know.

"Hard luck, Smythe," one of his teammates said as he walked past. Alex had always been a pain in the ass.

Sebastian clenched his jaw and took his seat next to the boy, keeping his gaze forward. He was going to kill his teammates for doing this. The door to the bus closed and they pulled away from the curb and the Cirque du Soleil was off to a new city once again.

Slowly, the rest of the bus fell away into sleep until Sebastian felt like he and the boy beside him were the only ones left awake. And when he slowly turned to his left, he realised that they were. Aside from the driver of course.

"I hadn't thought you'd be the scared one," the boy murmured. His brown eyes were wide and alert and Sebastian felt his heart quicken.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he managed, albeit without his usual sting.

"You're meant to be the scary predatory gay, aren't you?" He blushed, closed his eyes and shook his head. "Sorry, that was rude. I'm Nick, Nick Duval."

"Sebastian Smythe," Sebastian answered. "It's nice to finally have another American around."

"I thought you were Canadian."

"Nah, moved to Montreal when I was sixteen."

"You're a Cirque baby aren't you?"

Sebastian laughed at the idea. "Yeah, kinda. I didn't grow up touring or anything but they keep me around."

"They keep you around?" Nick asked, puzzled.

"Yeah," Sebastian shrugged. "I don't have anywhere to go. They've promised to keep me around as long as I'm useful."

"That's kind of ominous."

"Not really. I'll perform as long as I can and then when I can't physically do it anymore, I'll coach."

"Seems like you've got it all planned out then," Nick said with a soft laugh. "You're in the Russian bars act, yeah?"

Sebastian nodded surely. "Yep. Only fluent English speaker on the team."

"Oh yeah, the others are all-"

"_Russian_." The boys finished the sentence in unison. The awkwardness spiked before falling away as Sebastian chuckled.

"Yep, just another language to add to the list."

"You speak Russian?" Nick asked, surprised.

"Just enough to work with them. I couldn't hold a normal conversation with most of them. Alex and Oskar speak a bit of English though."

"What other languages do you speak?"

"French and a bit of Spanish."

Nick laughed. "And here I was thinking you were some kind of multilingual master."

"Oh yeah, and how many languages do you speak?"

"Does pig latin count?" Nick replied with a wicked grin.

"Ah well – what act is it you do again?" Sebastian asked as he pulled his legs up and leaned back against the seat.

"Power track," Nick answered. He frowned in confusion when Sebastian paled. "What's wrong?"

"You're one of the Bronx?"

"And you're a White Angel, so what? They're just characters."

"But our teams hate each other," Sebastian shook his head. "We could never be…"

"What? Friends? Sebastian, we just met…"

"So you don't want a relationship?" Sebastian asked slowly.

"Not now," Nick replied. "I mean, a relationship would be nice but… I don't want everyone to just see us as a necessity."

"A necessity?"

"Y'know, when gay people only go out with each other because they're the only ones."

"Well then," Sebastian leaned his head against the seat, watching Nick. "Tell me about yourself. Let's be friends."

Nick smiled before he launched Sebastian into the most intriguing conversation of his life.

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Getting off the bus that night, Sebastian found himself feeling sad. He was immediately swept away by his teammates and Nick by his. Now that Sebastian was thinking about it, the rivalry was obvious. But talking with Nick had been incredible and he couldn't believe how much they had in common. They had both grown up in Ohio and both loved to sing but hadn't been good enough to pursue it. They had the same taste in music and old television sitcoms – and an inability to name more than three current television shows. But what Sebastian had liked most was that he could finally talk to someone.

As Sebastian helped set up the tents and the equipment, he found himself replaying snippets of the conversations and smiling to himself. Alex and Oskar had laughed at him and made fun but soon, Sebastian found himself sitting on a flight of concrete steps. The wind was cold and small drops of rain were falling from the dark sky but he liked it.

Everyone else had gone back to the hotel so Sebastian was surprised when someone brushed their hand against his shoulder.

"Sitting out in the cold can't be good for you," Nick murmured as he sat down beside Sebastian.

"Eh, I'll be fine," Sebastian replied as he exhaled. The smoke swirled through the air before disappearing as the wind blew across the lot.

"I'm going to get in some practice. Care to join me?"

"Sure," Sebastian said with a smile.

They headed into the tent then. They hauled up one of the mats, positioning it at the end of the track that remained uncovered when they arrived in a new city. Nick jumped onto the trampoline as soon as he'd pulled off his shoes, slowly jumping along as Sebastian stretched. Nick span around to face him, laughing softly.

"Come on, just jump on. Like kids do."

Sebastian took a deep breath before he kicked off his shoes and tugged off his jacket and carefully stepped onto the trampoline. It was springier than he was used to and as he tentatively jumped towards Nick, he felt himself jumping too high and he freaked out as he locked his knees and tried to stop himself.

"You okay?" Nick asked with a slight laugh.

"Yeah… Not used to it."

Nick laughed. "Dude, you're a flyer. How the hell does trampolining scare you?"

"It doesn't scare me… I just like the fact that when I land on a Russian bar, it doesn't throw me into the air again."

Nick laughed again before he showed Sebastian some basic flips and tricks. It was funny watching someone who was so used to flying through the air struggle. Nick found it endearing, actually. At least, until Sebastian fell down.

"Sebastian?!" Nick jumped up and ran along the stage before climbing back down beside Sebastian. He carefully turned him onto his back, swearing as he saw Sebastian's eyes were closed. He hadn't hit his head, had he? "Sebastian, wake up!"

He didn't stir and Nick felt himself begin to panic as he held Sebastian's face in his hands. He was still breathing; he wasn't bleeding – what the hell was wrong?!

Nick watched him fearfully for a few more seconds before he moved to call for help when Sebastian caught hold of his arm. Nick turned back around just in time for Sebastian to lean up and kiss him. It was sweet and gentle and Sebastian's lips were soft. Nick wanted more, he couldn't deny that.

Sebastian pulled away, smiling softly before whispering, "Je vous aime."(1)

"I'm gonna presume that's a good thing," Nick replied before he kissed Sebastian again.

There was no going back now.

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**Translations:  
**1 – "I like you"

**A/N:** Just note that I'm using google translate for the French so if some of it becomes more complex in future chapters, it's probably going to be wrong.

But yay, circus fic :D I've always liked circus stories and I really hope that one day I can write an original one (I have ideas but they're only so-so). But for now, have this one :) I hope you like it so far, it's different to anything I've written before – in my opinion at least. But we'll see how we go. Thank you very much for reading, I hope you're having a wonderful day! –Em xoxo


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: Swearing, bullying

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 2:**

Sebastian felt like he was walking on air the next morning. He had woken early and had a quick breakfast before he met with the rest of the White Angels to practice. They threw him in the air, they caught him, they tossed him around from bar to bar and Sebastian laughed at how it could be misconstrued. Little Ben, who played the Little Tamir, came in after his lessons and worked with Sebastian to get their jump right before they all left to get ready for that night's show.

As they were heading to the tent that contained their dressing rooms, Sebastian was pulled aside by Alex.

"We need to talk," Alex said as he stepped in between two stacks of crates.

"About what?" Sebastian asked as he pulled his jacket tighter around him.

"You didn't get in last night until after midnight. And don't think no one noticed you talking to the Bronx kid."

Sebastian shook his head in disgust. "Nick and I were just hanging out – we grew up in the same place, he's actually the same nationality as I am. Is it a crime for me to hang out with someone I have a few things in common with?"

"You know how this works, Sebastian. Us and them. There is no we between the White Angels and the Bronx," Alex said gravely. "And there never will be."

"You are so full of shit," Sebastian spat. "We're just friends!"

"I know you better than that," Alex said quietly. "There may be a language barrier between us but body language is the same no matter where you're from."

Sebastian shook his head again. "I can't believe you're angry at me just because I'm hanging out with someone new."

"You and I both know it's more than that."

"Khuy tebe!" Sebastian growled before he stalked off. (1)

Sitting down at his dressing table, Sebastian kept muttering to himself about how stupid and naïve Alex was before he heard someone sobbing behind him. Turning around, he found Nick hunched over his dressing table, his shoulders shaking as his breath hitched.

"Nick?" Sebastian asked quietly, carefully reaching out to graze his fingertips over his friend's back. "Nick, is everything okay?"

Nick sat up and Sebastian watched in the mirror as he wiped his eyes. The white face make-up smeared and Nick swore before turning to face Sebastian with a half-hearted smile.

"Friends suck," was all Nick managed to get out before he started crying again. Sebastian moved forward and held Nick carefully, rubbing his back and not caring as he felt judgemental eyes bore into his back.

"It's gonna be okay," Sebastian murmured as Nick began to calm down. "Do you wanna tell me what happened?"

"Stupid Jett… He tried to tell me we couldn't be friends," Nick took a shaky breath. "Or whatever we are..."

"Yeah," Sebastian frowned slightly. "I copped the same crap from Alex."

"You're not upset though, are you?"

"Of course I am. I just deal with it by swearing at him in Russian," Sebastian answered with a grin. Nick laughed and shoved his shoulder playfully. "It'll be okay. Screw what they think. We don't need them."

"Well, we kinda do," Nick said with a chuckle as he turned back to his dressing table. His hands were still shaking. "Ugh, my eyebrows are gonna look terrible."

"Let me do it," Sebastian murmured as he dragged his chair over. He fixed up the white, covering Nick's cheeks and nose again before he took up the blue. "As still as you can."

Nick watched in silence as Sebastian did his make-up for him. The look of sheer concentration on the boy's face was breathtaking. When Sebastian finally finished the fine work around Nick's eyes, he sat back and watched with a small smile.

"You're kind of beautiful," Sebastian whispered.

Nick blushed though he knew Sebastian couldn't tell. "You're kind of good at compliments."

Sebastian patted Nick's knee before he got to his feet. "You'll be right to get dressed? You're not the only one who needs to get dolled up."

"I wouldn't have thought dressing me would be the problem," Nick joked.

"Keep it in your pants, boys," Ana said as she walked past.

"Always," Sebastian called after her. He looked to Nick and laughed before pecking him on the cheek. "I'll catch you later."

"Uh, okay," Nick said as he gathered his costume in his arms. "Where?"

Sebastian laughed again. "I mean literally. I'm spotting for you tonight."

Nick blushed before he headed off to get dressed. That boy was going to be the death of him.

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Sebastian was struggling to keep the smile off his face that night as he watched Nick's performance. It was so high energy and fun and Sebastian wished he didn't have to play the part of the solemn White Angel guardian. When Nick came by him, he felt himself blush as Nick brushed a hand against his shoulder on his way back up the stage. It was risky but Sebastian liked it.

The rest of the show passed by without consequence until the curtain call. The White Angels and the Bronx stood along opposite sides of the stage but as they sang the last chorus of the song, Sebastian felt Nick's eyes boring into his back. He couldn't help but blush as he pulled of his wig and took a bow.

When he ran off the stage for the last time that night, he was pulled aside by Stan, their tour manager.

"You and Nick?" he asked simply.

Sebastian swallowed. "Yeah… Is that a problem?"

"Do your job properly; don't let it interfere with how the troupe functions. Otherwise, I don't care what you get up to," Stan flashed a smile. "Just don't go getting any of my contortionists pregnant, you hear?"

Sebastian saluted him jokingly. "Yes sir," he laughed before heading backstage to get changed. Nick was waiting for him, a worried expression on his face.

"Is something wrong? Are we in trouble?"

"No, of course not," Sebastian said with a smile. "Well, provided you're not a contortionist and I don't get you pregnant."

"Should I be worried about that?" Nick laughed.

"Juste m'embrasser," Sebastian murmured before he pulled Nick closer and kissed him gently. (2)

_Yup,_ Nick thought. _He's definitely going to be the death of me._

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**Translations:  
1 – Russian, "Fuck you"  
2 – French, "Just kiss me"**

**A/N: I just have to say that I thoroughly enjoy writing circus!Nickbastian :p They so cute :D I'm probably gonna write this one a little more slowly than I wrote BATS simply because I've got other things to do – the joys and delights of life and such :p But I hope you're enjoying it and thank you very much for reading –Em xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3

Warnings: Drinking, sexual references, self-harm, reference to bullying

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

A/N: I'm giving up on the French (surprise surprise – god, why is "surprise" such a hard word to type today?). Disadvantage of going to schools where the only languages offered were German. But I hope you still enjoy it nonetheless :p

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**CHAPTER 3:**

The next few weeks passed in a blur of taunts and teasing for Sebastian and Nick. They found it difficult to remain positive but their fears and worries were reconciled in the chaste kisses backstage between acts and the quiet nights wrapped in each other's embrace. When they had moved to the next city – neither of them had any idea where they were anymore – Sebastian had asked Stan to give them a room together. Stan had granted them the room but always on the proviso that it didn't interfere with their work. Always about the work, Stan was.

The Bronx and the White Angels however, remained hostile. Sebastian had given up trying to talk about it. So long as no one was trying to physically hurt him or Nick, he didn't care.

It was when they arrived in Amsterdam however that things became interesting. Sebastian had only picked up on the fact they were in Amsterdam because he almost fell in a canal when he went out for a cigarette one night. Though the other guys in the troupe crowing about the Red Light District had been a good hint, too.

One day however, when they had time off, Sebastian and Nick were surprised to be approached by Ana and Ida. Ida was the resident hoop girl and Sebastian would be lying if he said he hadn't wished he could move like she could. They were sitting outside by one of the canals and Ana sat with her legs swinging over the water and a cheeky smile on her face.

"What do you want, trouble?" Sebastian asked as he lit another cigarette and swung an arm around Nick's shoulders.

"We want to take you two out tonight," Ana said simply.

"Like a date?" Nick asked, confused.

"No," Ana scoffed as she stole Sebastian's cigarette and took a drag. "We've seen how the others have been treating you… We want to help."

"What's in it for you?" Sebastian asked before snatching back his cigarette. "Other than stealing my things."

"I'm ashamed that you have such little faith in me, Sebby," she replied with a wicked grin.

"We just want to help," Ida said. She was quieter than Ana; calmer and more relaxed. "It's not fair that you should be left all alone."

"It could be fun," Nick said with a smile. "Besides, we've never really had a date."

"Then you have to come," Ana said decisively as she leapt to her feet. "Eight o'clock tonight, meet us here. We'll go and get deliciously drunk and have lots of fun and stick it in the rest of the troupe's faces."

"Whatever floats your boat, Ana," Sebastian said dryly as he took another drag, peering out across the canal.

Nick watched as the girls left before he turned a glare on Sebastian. "You could have been a little more polite."

"Ana's just meddling," Sebastian shook his head. "It's best to just appease her and make her feel like she's doing something good."

"Tonight'll be fun," Nick said as he pulled Sebastian against his side. "I promise."

Sebastian chuckled softly to himself. They were in a city of sin – of course they were going to have fun.

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That night at eight o'clock, Sebastian and Nick found Ida and Ana waiting on the edge of the canal. It was cold and fine rain filled the air but they soon found themselves tucked into a booth at some nameless bar drinking the best beer Sebastian had had for a long time. Oh how he loved Europe's lowered legal drinking age.

So they drank. Sebastian and Ana smoked. Ida laughed at Nick's stories about gymnasts screwing up their routines. Sebastian pulled Nick against his side, intermittently pressing kisses against his temple.

At around one in the morning, the four friends stumbled their way back to the hotel across the street from the lot. Sebastian dangled from where he'd slung an arm around Nick's shoulders. He couldn't stop giggling which made Nick laugh and neither could remember to be quiet as they made their way to their room.

After fumbling with the key for what felt like forever, Nick pulled Sebastian inside before overbalancing and falling onto the bed they didn't use. Nick laughed again as he staggered back to his feet and closed the door before collapsing beside Sebastian again.

"Amsterdam is great," Sebastian said with a content sigh.

"You're more great," Nick murmured. They slowly turned to look at each other before Sebastian rolled onto his side and carefully slid his hand over Nick's stomach.

"Greater," he corrected before leaning down and kissing Nick gently. Nick yielded and reached up to tangle his fingers in Sebastian's hair. Sebastian slowly climbed over him, straddling Nick's waist before he reached down and slipped his hand beneath his shirt. Nick shivered slightly and gasped as Sebastian's hand moved higher before he mirrored the gesture.

Sebastian couldn't believe how soft Nick's skin was as they slowly tugged off each other's clothes. He pulled Nick into his arms again, kissing him deeply as their bare flesh pressed together. It felt like home in Nick's arms and Sebastian didn't want to let go. But he could feel the ache of his need and he knew that to be together, they had to be apart, if only for a little while.

Sebastian looked into Nick's eyes and smiled softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," Nick whispered before he answered the unasked question with a kiss and a roll of his hips.

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Nick liked the way Sebastian looked when he was sleeping. In conjunction with the sunlight streaming in through the window, he in fact seemed like an angel. Nick only wished he didn't feel guilty for what felt like taking his angel's virtue. He leaned down and kissed Sebastian's cheek.

"I'll see you later, my love," Nick whispered before he headed to his practice session. It was going to be a long day without Sebastian by his side.

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Sebastian woke with a smile on his face but it soon vanished when he reached for Nick and only found cold sheets. He sat up; frowning in confusion, before he glanced around the room but it was empty.

"Nick?" he called. There was no response and he felt his anxiety soar. Drinking had been a bad idea. Searching for his jeans, he found them on the floor beside the bed and pulled them on before trying to light a cigarette. His hands were shaking and he could hear the voice in his head trying to sway him.

_You're a worthless sack of crap. Why would he want to stay with you?_

"Shut up," Sebastian growled as he held his head in his hands. He had to find Nick, he had to focus.

Standing, Sebastian crossed into the bathroom where he splashed some water on his face but he didn't feel any better.

_Just give up. Save everyone some time._

Sebastian felt the tears slip down his cheeks. He was better than this. He didn't need it.

But the blade made its way into his hand and as red bloomed against pale white, the worry melted away.


	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: Aftermath of self-harm, medical squick, swearing,

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil. The song belongs to Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 4:**

"DUVAL!"

Nick jumped at the yell before standing and turning to see Stan was red-faced and fuming. "What is it, Stan?"

"Where's Sebastian?"

"Uh, I dunno. I haven't seen him since this morning."

"Then you'd better get off your ass and find him! Matinee's in one hour – he hasn't checked in yet. I need him onstage, hung over or not!"

Nick threw his hat down onto his dressing table. "I'll find him," he growled as he stormed past Stan out into the night.

It was colder and the rain was heavier and Nick was glad he hadn't changed into his costume yet. He headed back across to the hotel and up to the room. There was no sign of Sebastian; it seemed he hadn't been there for quite some time. Heading back out onto the streets, Nick tried the canal where he and Sebastian had met Ana and Ida the night before. There was nothing there except some stray leaves.

Nick tried to think where else where Sebastian would be. He tried the stage and the stands but he only found audience members who were incredibly early. One of them recognised him and excitedly asked for an autograph to which he obliged before heading back outside. He stalked through the rain, shoulders hunched as he tried to think where else Sebastian would be. Why was he hiding in the first place?

As he headed back to the dressing tent, he heard something shift against the tarps covering the storage boxes. Nick peered into the darkness and saw a figure slowly get to their feet. They held their arm against their stomach and Nick swallowed thickly as he stepped back.

"You okay?" he called. Who the hell hides between storage boxes?

"Nick…"

Nick's eyes almost popped out of his head as he realised it was Sebastian. He rushed forward and grabbed Sebastian's shoulders as he pitched forward.

"Woah, Seb, what's going on? Where have you been?" Nick asked as he checked him over. "What's happened? What's wrong with your arm?"

Sebastian muttered something under his breath but Nick couldn't hear him. There were tears in Sebastian's eyes as he shook his head.

"Come on Sebastian, talk to me. What happened?"

"You left," Sebastian said dejectedly.

Nick frowned. "You mean this morning? Babe, I had a practice to get to…" Nick cast his gaze down at the arm Sebastian still held firmly against his stomach. "Seb… What happened?"

"I-I tried to come and practice, get ready – it hurt so much!"

Nick felt his heart start to race before he reached down, taking Sebastian's hand and yanking up the sleeve of his jacket. Across the inside of Sebastian's wrist were three deep cuts, all of them still oozing blood.

"Oh Seb…"

Sebastian yanked his arm away and tugged his sleeve back down. "It's nothing. I'll be fine."

"Seb, you'll bleed on your costume… Come on, you can sit this one out."

"No!" Sebastian yelled. "I have to go on! I have to do this!"

"You could get hurt-"

"I don't care! I'm already hurt! It doesn't fucking matter anymore!"

"I see you found him then."

Nick turned to find Stan watching them. The tour manager glanced between them before looking to Sebastian.

"Let Nick take you to the medic. I'll come by in five minutes and we'll talk, alright?" Stan said calmly. Nick felt perplexed but he let Sebastian take his hand and they walked in silence to where the medics were set up with the onsite ambulance. A young girl with a blonde hair in a plait smiled up at them.

"What can I do for you two?" she asked brightly.

"Cut myself," Sebastian murmured, not meeting her gaze.

Her expression dimmed but she waved a hand as she headed into their small tent. "Come have a seat."

There were three beds within the tent and Sebastian sat on the one in the left corner. The medic pulled a privacy partition around them before she pulled on some latex gloves.

"Do you want me to stay?" Nick asked quietly.

"Just until Stan gets here?" Sebastian suggested as he pulled up his sleeve for the medic.

Nick nodded before he sat down at the end of the bed, watching as the medic washed the cuts with squares of gauze and saline solution. He was surprised that Sebastian watched her too. He didn't flinch or wince – he barely blinked. Nick went to ask a question before he noticed the other scars on Sebastian's arm. This wasn't a first occurrence.

"Your mind must be buzzing with questions, just ask them and get this over with," Sebastian said dryly, his voice monotonous.

"How long?" Nick asked before he could think.

"Since I was twelve."

"Why?"

"Because I have poor impulse control."

"This might sting," the medic interjected before smearing a brown liquid over each of the cuts. Sebastian still kept a straight face. Maybe there was a reason he was a White Angel.

"Why today?" Nick didn't know if he wanted to hear the answer.

"Because you were gone… I thought I'd fucked this up."

"I'm gonna have to numb you up. These are going to need stitches," the medic said as she readied a syringe.

"Nick…" Sebastian sounded uncertain and Nick could see that the colour had drained from his face.

"Lie down," Nick murmured as he stood. While Sebastian did, Nick moved around the bed and knelt beside it, taking Sebastian's hand as he stroked his hair. "Just look at me, okay? Squeeze my hand – you won't feel a thing."

Sebastian's grip on his hand was like iron but his eyes filled with tears when the syringe pricked his skin. Nick carefully stroked a thumb over his forehead before he quietly began to sing.

_Solkio estouma_

_solkio djabo si tou_

_Kolio estou sve djabo_

_solkio estou djabo si tou_

_Solkio estouma_

_solkio djabo si tou_

_Kolio estou sve djabo_

_solkio estou djabo si tou_

.

Sebastian sniffed and blinked the tears from his eyes. "I thought you only spoke English…"

"I do. That's a song from _Quidam_. It's pretty easy to remember. Just please don't ask me what it means," Nick replied with a smile.

Sebastian laughed before the partition moved and Stan appeared.

"How are you two going?" he asked quietly.

"Surviving," Sebastian replied with a shrug of one shoulder.

"What's the verdict, doc?" Stan said as he looked to the medic. "I'm guessing no show tonight."

"Probably not for the rest of your time in Amsterdam," she answered as she tied off the last suture. "The stitches will need to come out probably the day after you leave."

Stan nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll need to sort that out. Anything else?"

"No lifting. No handstands," the medic looked to Sebastian as she bandaged his arm. "What act do you do?"

"Russian bars – I'm a flyer though, I don't really use my arms."

She nodded before looking back to Stan. "He should be fine to perform again in a week. He'll just need to be careful about pulling himself up."

"Okay then," Stan murmured before looking to Nick. "You'd better go get ready. I'll look after him while you're gone."

Nick nodded before looking down at Sebastian. "I'll see you back at the hotel?"

"Yeah," Sebastian answered with a squeeze of Nick's hand. "Love you."

Nick smiled and pressed a kiss to Sebastian's forehead. "I love you too."

"Just tell the others that he's sick," Stan said as Nick got to his feet. "I'll deal with it later."

Nicked nodded before he headed outside. He lingered just outside the tent long enough to hear Sebastian say "Don't start." As the worry rekindled in Nick, he could only hope his boyfriend was talking to Stan.

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**Song: Marelle from **_**Quidam**_** (my other favourite Cirque song)**

**A/N: Poor Seb. There will be adorable cuddles in the next chapter and a little more explanation. I'm still not sure how long this is gonna be. It hasn't evolved as much as BATS did but it still has room to grow. And don't worry about Adam not being there yet, he's on his way :p Thanks for reading, I hope you're having a glorious day! –Em xoxo**


	5. Chapter 5

Warnings: Swearing, mention of past self-harm and violence

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 5:**

Nick was exhausted by the time he got back to the hotel after the evening performance. He just wanted to collapse into Sebastian's arms and have everything be made better but he knew it couldn't work like that today. He didn't want to find Sebastian alone in their room having cried his eyes out but he couldn't help feel that that was inevitable. When he reached the room, he took a deep breath before heading inside.

Sebastian was lying in bed, turned away from the door. He shifted slightly and Nick heard him sniffle before sitting up, wiping his eyes and staring at Nick.

"You still upset?" Nick asked as he pulled off his jacket.

"Yeah." Sebastian's voice was dull and his face showed how tired he was.

"Do you wanna talk?" Nick ventured.

"No, no just leave me to wallow in my pain," Sebastian sighed.

"Seb…" Nick didn't want to push him but he wasn't about to let him suffer.

It was enough to annoy him though. "Just leave me alone, okay? This is the only thing that works."

The comment stung and Nick felt his heart pang with a sense of betrayal. "It doesn't have to be."

"I don't want you, Nick!" Sebastian yelled but the anger simmered as soon as it had boiled and he shook his head. "I do… Just not for this."

Nick's anger had more staying power. "Sebastian, I'm your fucking boyfriend. If you don't want me for this then what the fuck do you want me for?! We're supposed to be a team! You're supposed to lean on me when you need help. Let me help you!"

"I don't need help!" Sebastian shouted. "I just need you to fucking trust me that this is the right thing to do!"

"In what universe would I be being a good boyfriend if I left you to be miserable?!" Nick sat on the bed beside Sebastian, catching his hand when he tried to pull away. "I love you. I meant it when I said it. I love you and I want to help. I want to make sure you know that everything's gonna be okay. Because it will be, I swear."

There was a long, pregnant pause before Sebastian's green eyes filled with tears. "I ran away to join the circus when I was sixteen. I didn't move - I ran."

Nick frowned. "I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

Sebastian took a shuddering breath. "My parents sucked, okay? I had no choice but to get out - not if I wanted the life I have..." He paused, looking into Nicks eyes. "I saved as much money as I could and I was gone, without a trace. I boarded a train to Montreal and never looked back."

"Why? What happened that made you want to leave?" Nick asked. He couldn't imagine ever wanting to run away from home.

Sebastian turned and reached for the back of his head, his fingers pushing his hair aside to reveal a thin scar. "They told the hospital I fell down the stairs."

"What actually happened?" Nick asked quietly. He felt like he should have seen this coming.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Sebastian replied as he turned back to face his boyfriend. "I'm not good at trusting people, Nick. I'm new at this... It's gonna take time."

Nick moved forward and pulled Sebastian into his arms, rubbing his back gently. "We have time... I can wait."

"You shouldn't have to. You deserve someone perfect."

Nick shifted, holding Sebastian's face in his hands. "You _are_ perfect. And I want to be with you forever."

Sebastian swallowed harshly before he lifted a hand to cup Nick's cheek. "I wish we could be."

Nick kissed him softly. "We will be. Don't you worry."

Sebastian let Nick hold onto him and they talked late into the night. Sebastian told Nick all about what his parents had done to him - the beatings, being used for sex - and all of the depression and anxiety that had resulted from it. Sebastian explained that he cut himself because it grounded him but that the Cirque had taught him to fly in an attempt to give him back his freedom.

"I auditioned as a contortionist," Sebastian said as he lied curled into Nick's side. "I was a lot more flexible back then but I soon lost it... They kept me as an acrobat, trained me, taught me to fly. On the proviso that I went to counselling – Stan got me that bargain."

"That's incredible," Nick murmured.

"They're my family. They knew I had nowhere else to go." Sebastian twisted to look up at Nick. "What about you?"

"What about me what?"

Sebastian sat up again, turning to Nick with a wicked smile that didn't quite much the dull look in his eyes the painkillers had left him with. "Tell me about you - what crazed adventures did being an Olympic gymnast provide?"

Nick laughed as he leaned against the pillows. "We didn't do anything crazy... I was still underage then."

"You must have done something. You never played pranks on your coaches? Or took a day off to sleep and eat junk food?"

Nick scoffed. "Yeah, because my father totally would have allowed that."

"He strict?" Sebastian asked as he smoothed a hand over Nick's stomach.

"He just wanted what was best for me," Nick said exasperatedly. "Wasn't too impressed when I auditioned for this though."

"Why did you come here?" Sebastian asked as he lay over Nick, resting his chin on his boyfriend's chest.

Nick ran his fingers through Sebastian's hair, tracing over the scar on the back of his head. "I wanted a more fulfilling life... Sure I had medals and trophies and got to go to London but I wanted something more. I wanted to make people happy."

"Like you want to make me happy?" Sebastian asked, his voice little more than a whisper as he watched Nick closely.

"I don't want to make you happy," Nick whispered as he pulled Sebastian fully against him. "I want you to _be_ happy. With or without me, because or not because of me."

Sebastian kissed Nick again, their lips slotting together in a way that made Sebastian feel they were made for each other. He slid his tongue into Nick's mouth, groaning as Nick grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and held him tighter. His arm hurt and he was still miserable but Sebastian didn't care. As long as he had Nick, everything was going to be okay.

It had to be.

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**A/N: I'm sorry that was kind of dull but the next few chapters will be a little more action-packed. I hope you're still enjoying this – let me know what you think, reviews are always appreciated and tend to make me write faster to see what else you think :p But thank you very much for reading and have a wonderful day –Em xoxo**


	6. Chapter 6

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 6:**

They moved to the next city and Sebastian went back to work. No one knew what had happened and Sebastian was determined to keep it that way. It meant long sleeves during practice and dressing for shows alone but it was a small price to pay. They couldn't give their teams ammunition to break them up – they just couldn't.

It was still difficult. The Bronx didn't know how to treat Nick and the White Angels were just angry. The nymphs were on Nick and Sebastian's side but in the grand scheme of things, they didn't hold much sway.

Until Ana's birthday arrived.

Sebastian was out having a smoke, Nick by his side, when she dropped down beside them.

"I have a proposal for the two of you," she announced.

"Does it involve me never having to listen to you again?" Sebastian asked, smoke billowing from his mouth. Nick hated the taste it left on his boyfriend's lips but he couldn't deny it had a certain level of sex appeal.

"No. I want you two to come to my little birthday celebration tomorrow night," Ana explained. "We're going to a club down the road. We have permission from Stan. I just need a list of attendees."

"Who else is going?" Nick asked.

"Everyone – which yes, I know is a problem for you two. But only if you let it _be_ a problem."

Sebastian turned a glare on her. "So you're suggesting that we go to a bar and gay it up and let them pummel us into the ground?"

"Who said there would be any pummelling?" Ana said with a wicked grin. "Come, it'll be fun. The girls and I will protect you."

"We'll be there, Ana," Nick said with a smile. She ruffled his hair as she stood up.

"Of course you will be! I'll see you boys tonight."

Nick waved as she left before he looked to Sebastian. "It'll be fine. We'll show up for five minutes then we can leave."

"Yeah, whatever."

Nick watched him for a moment before asking, "Why don't you like Ana?"

Sebastian looked to him, bewildered. "Where's that coming from?"

"Uh, the way you just treated her?"

Sebastian shook his head. "No, it's not like that. Ana and I just have … history."

"What kind of history?" Nick asked, somewhat fearfully.

"There was a lot of self-discovering for me to get through when I signed up with the Cirque. I never really knew who I was…" Sebastian sighed and looked out across the lot. "Ana was new to the Cirque too; she was a lot more timid back then. We slept together, she was a virgin and I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I was into and at the time it seemed important.

"I didn't like her as much as I think I wanted to. She wasn't too happy about it either. She got angry at me when I said I didn't want a relationship. But we figured it out and now we just keep a cool distance from each other. It's the best thing for us."

Nick nodded before he leaned over and rested his head on Sebastian's shoulder. "Oh what a tangled web we weave."

"I'll drink to that."

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The next night, Sebastian and Nick found themselves walking into a club with the rest of the troupe. They'd already caught three White Angels glaring at them, the Bronx being a little more subtle about their distaste. But only by a fraction.

They sat in the back against the wall, watching the others as they danced and drank and laughed. It was miserable but Nick didn't mind. It was nice just to sit and take in the vibe.

Until of course someone had to ruin it.

"Surprised you even had the nerve to show up here, Duval," one of the Bronx laughed as he walked past.

Nick growled before grabbing Sebastian's hand and dragging him onto the dance floor. The beat was fast and Sebastian was surprised as Nick held him close but much to his disbelief, the music suddenly slowed.

"You gotta be freaking kidding me," Nick muttered. He wasted no time in draping his arms around Sebastian's shoulders and pulling him close.

"Are you trying to make them jealous or mad?" Sebastian asked with a nervous laugh.

"Both," Nick murmured before leaning up and kissing Sebastian.

"Keep it in your pants, Duval!"

They broke apart and looked around to find they were surrounded by members of the Bronx. They all looked annoyed but Sebastian could feel the anger radiating off of Nick.

"Why the fuck should I? You're the one who spends all practice bragging about who he had sex with backstage between performances," Nick spat. "At least Seb and I have some level of decency."

"Yeah because breaking apart your team is totally decent. We need you, Nick!"

"When has my relationship with Seb ever gotten in the way?" Nick yelled, looking to each of his teammates. "I show up on time, I work my ass off. I've given you everything I have to make our performance each night great! All I want in return is some fucking reciprocity!"

Sebastian carefully reached out, laying a hand over Nick's back as he heaved in breath. "Nick?"

"If we were really bothering you that much, why didn't you just say so?" one of the younger guys asked. "We would have stopped, Nick…"

"I shouldn't have to say anything," Nick murmured.

"We're sorry," another of the Bronx said. "Forgive us?"

Nick nodded once. "Yeah… Just give me some time."

They nodded before they all went back to their business. Nick collapsed into Sebastian's embrace as they made their way back to where they'd been sitting. They watched the crowd move before Sebastian noticed the White Angels watching them from across the room.

"What d'you suppose it'll take for us to get them to give it up?" Sebastian asked as he laced his fingers with Nick's.

"Who cares?" Nick said as he turned to Sebastian. "I've got you. That's enough for now."

Sebastian smiled and kissed Nick again. That would be enough.

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**A/N: Yay for standing up to meanies! But Angels are always so steadfast in their ways. I hope you're enjoying this – if you are, be sure to check out my new fic/verse/thing "Pepperoni with Extra Romance". I don't know how I'm gonna go balancing two WIPs but we'll see. It's gonna be entertaining if nothing else :p Thanks for reading! –Em xoxo**


	7. Chapter 7

Warnings: Swearing, homophobia, bullying

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 7:**

They moved cities again and things quietened down. However, Sebastian was finding it hard to trust his teammates. None of them had said anything but glares and snide comments – usually in Russian – told Sebastian all he needed to know. The Bronx might be on board but the White Angels were far from it.

Sebastian had taken to watching Nick's performances from the wings. He was still intrigued by how much ease Nick had on the trampolines. He smiled as Nick leapt into the air before watching in increasing horror as Nick botched the landing and pitched forward off the stage. There were screams from the audience and the music came to an abrupt stop as the Bronx rushed forward, Sebastian joining them.

He pushed the others aside to find Nick lying on the ground; his eyes clenched shut as he whimpered in pain. Sebastian knelt beside him, wanting to touch him but sensing he was hurt.

"Nick? Nick, come on, talk to me."

Nick's eyes fluttered open before he clenched his jaw and cried out in pain. He gasped for air, gripping his left arm before he slowly relaxed but he was still visibly in pain.

"Nick, what's wrong?" Sebastian asked pleadingly.

"It hurts… I think it's broken," Nick gasped before he was swallowed by another wave of pain.

Sebastian looked up at the White Angels that stood watching on in fear. "Which one of you was spotting?! Who didn't fucking catch him?!"

"Sebastian, calm down," Ana murmured, reaching for his shoulder but he jerked away from her.

"Who the hell let this happen?!" he yelled before Alex knelt down beside him.

"Seb, calm down, I'm sorry. We'll sort this out. Stan's on his way with the medics-"

"You let him fall!"

Sebastian tried to launch himself at Alex but was held back by strong hands. He watched as the medics knelt down beside Nick, carefully checking him over.

"Breathe Sebastian," Stan whispered in his ear as he held him. "Nick's safe now."

Sebastian blinked away the tears in his eyes, letting himself relax as he watched the medics pull Nick to his feet.

"Don't be stupid, Seb," Nick murmured before he was led away.

Stan slowly let go of Sebastian before turning to the other performers. "Get the next act ready. We'll talk about this after the show."

They all headed backstage while Stan apologised to the audience. The music roared back to life and the show continued but Sebastian was angry. He tried to relax before he went on but he still almost lost his balance every time he landed. He made a mental note to thank his porters as he took his bows.

The curtain call felt empty and forced as Sebastian loathed the absence of Nick before heading backstage. He tugged off his wig before seeking out Oskar and Jaroslav.

"I'm sorry I was so out of it. Feeling a bit shaken," Sebastian explained when he found them. "Work on it tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure," Oskar murmured before pulling Jaroslav away.

Sebastian frowned in confusion at being snubbed before he glanced around to find everyone was regarding him with a sense of uncertainty. He heard footsteps, noticed everyone turning away before he span around to find Alex watching him fearfully.

"Seb, I'm so sorry – I didn't think he'd break his arm."

"_What_?" Sebastian growled.

"It was just a stupid prank. I was gonna let him stumble, look unprofessional…" Alex shook his head. "I tried to grab him but he fell."

Sebastian jumped towards Alex, tackling him to the ground before he began pounding him into the ground.

"You could have fucking killed him, you idiot!" he yelled.

There was another rush of footsteps and more hands pulling him away from Alex. Sebastian kicked out at him but he was being dragged back. Stan came into his line of sight, holding onto his shoulders.

"Calm down, Sebastian. This isn't solving anything."

"He hurt Nick! He let Nick get hurt," Sebastian cried.

"I know he did but I'm not losing you too." Stan pulled Sebastian into his arms. It was a long while before Stan pulled away. "Alex, what happened?"

"I didn't mean for Nick to get hurt – I was just trying to show him that he couldn't take Sebastian from us!"

"He never took me from you!" Sebastian shouted.

"That's enough!" Stan yelled over the top of him. "You two are both gonna shut up unless I ask you a question. We are going to sort this out right now because I can't afford to have you two fighting."

Sebastian nodded his understanding but took a seat on the ground, leaning against one of the poles that held up the tent ceiling.

"So what happened, Alex? Did you mess up Nick's landing?"

"No, I don't know what happened. I didn't think he was gonna pitch forward like that, though," Alex answered. He shifted nervously on his feet. "What's gonna happen? How much trouble am I in?"

"Well that depends on why you did it."

Alex sighed heavily. "Look, I just wanted Sebastian's focus back. You saw what he was like out there! He almost fell every single time! Breaking up with Nick would solve that! The relationship is toxic and unnatural!"

"Alex, go wait outside," Stan murmured.

"I just wanted to-"

"Go!"

Alex seemed taken aback by that but he slunk out, his shoulders hunched. Sebastian looked to Stan, watching as the tour manager sighed.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian whispered.

"I know you are," Stan said quietly. "But if this bullshit doesn't stop, your relationship with Nick may have to go."

Sebastian shook his head as he stood. "You know it's not up to me whether the bullshit stops," he hissed before storming off to get changed.

This was getting out of hand.

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**A/N: Oh dear… Adam shows up next chapter though :D I'm excited to write him, I like him. I'm not sure how long it'll be until the next update. I cut my finger tonight and typing while doable, is difficult and my hand's cramping up and stuff (I hadn't realised how much I'd actually written today). But I'll try my best :) Thank you for reading, I hope you're having a wonderful day –Em xoxo**


	8. Chapter 8

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 8:**

Nick returned to the troupe two days later, his arm in a plaster cast. He wouldn't be able to work for two months at least – he'd miss the rest of the tour. But upon hearing from Stan what had happened between Alex and Sebastian, he had refused to go home. He just dosed himself up on painkillers each morning and went to the practice tent to help his team in any way he could. Though it tended to end with him falling asleep in the stands.

A week after the incident – and a week after Alex was promptly fired – Stan called a meeting. Everyone gathered on the stage but much to Nick's confusion, they all gave Sebastian a wide berth.

Stan climbed up onto one of the storage boxes. "Alright everyone, let's get this over and done with.

"As most of us are aware, last week there was an incident when one of our performers fell and broke his arm. It was later discovered that this was in part due to some kind of rivalry between two of our biggest acts. Usually a little rivalry is healthy – we all want to wow our audience. But when these rivalries put people in danger – that's when it gets serious.

"The bullying that's going on needs to stop. I'm not going to name names. We're all adults here; we can sort this out in a civil fashion. And note that bullying includes name-calling, exclusion and playing pranks. I don't care if you're "just joking", this is all going to stop."

There were a few mutters through the crowd and Sebastian noticed the odd looks that came his way. But Stan wasn't finished talking.

"On a lighter note, Alex's replacement arrived today. Adam, where are you?" A tall boy with blonde hair and kind blue eyes joined Stan on the storage box stage. "This is Adam Crawford. He'll be replacing both Alex and Nick. We're very lucky to have him when we have so little of the tour left so play nice. And please don't break his arm too."

Laughter scattered itself through the crowd before everyone went back to their business. Sebastian was reluctant to leave Nick however.

"I can blow off one practice. Let me spend some time with you," Sebastian pleaded.

Nick shook his head. "No, you need to go. Adam's your new porter. You need to establish a good friendship and fast. For me?"

Sebastian sighed as he nodded. "Fine." He pecked Nick on the cheek. "I probably won't be able to come see you before the show."

"That's okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you."

"Love you too," Sebastian said before he headed to practice.

Adam was surrounded by the others, answering their questions.

"- I'm gay, so yeah. I could do that."

"Do what?" Sebastian asked as he broke into the circle of White Angels.

"Nothing," Oskar interjected. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure," Sebastian answered.

They got to work and it was all business but Sebastian knew something was going on. He worked with Adam all afternoon and every time the Englishman asked for help with something, Sebastian was sent to sort it out. He didn't mind helping the new guy – someone had to do it – but he had grown suspicious of his teammates.

That evening before the show, Sebastian was showing Adam how to do his makeup.

"Do you want me to do your eyes?" Sebastian asked, noticing that they were running short on time.

"If you don't mind. If you have to get ready, I understand. I'm probably a bit of an inconvenience at the moment, really," Adam replied. Sebastian could feel the blue eyes on him as he worked. He tried to ignore it but when he finished Adam's eyes, he made the mistake of looking into them. They were deep and kind and Sebastian felt the unmistakable pull of attraction before he forced himself away.

"I'd better go get ready," Sebastian muttered.

"Okay. I'll see you out there then."

Sebastian cursed his teammates as he returned to his dressing table. No wonder they had made him spend all day with Adam. They were trying to make him break up with Nick for some sexy British guy with a cute accent.

Sebastian growled in frustration. This wasn't good.

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After the show that night, Oskar pulled Sebastian aside.

"Hey, we're all going out to celebrate Adam's first show and I heard he would really like you to be there."

"I can't, I need to go spend some time with Nick," Sebastian answered tiredly.

"Bas, this is a team effort. And you heard what Stan said, we need to appreciate Adam."

"I know and I do. Our act would be cut if he hadn't been able to come out and help us. But I really need to see Nick, okay? Just leave it at that."

"Why do even like him?"

"Because he treats me better than anyone I've ever known," Sebastian answered tersely. "So stop trying to make me break up with him."

Oskar didn't get another word in before Sebastian was off. The walk to the hotel from the lot was longer than normal but Stan had had trouble securing accommodation in this city – for whatever reason. Sebastian was glad for the walk; it gave him time to cool down.

Arriving at the room he shared with Nick, he was sad to see his boyfriend knocking back more painkillers.

"Is it normal to be in that much pain from a broken bone?" Sebastian asked as he kicked off his shoes.

"Who knows?" Nick said with a shrug. "How'd the show go? Was Adam okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine," Sebastian sighed as he sat down beside his boyfriend. "They're still trying to get me to break up with you, though."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Nick said with a yawn. "Ugh, I'm sorry babe; these painkillers make me pretty tired. Can we talk later?"

"Yeah," Sebastian murmured. "I might go for a walk."

Nick lay down. "Okay… Love you."

"Love you too," Sebastian replied but Nick was already out like a light.

Heading back out into the night, Sebastian didn't know what to do with himself. This was all happening at just the wrong time and he didn't like it. He needed Nick. He needed to feel safe again…

.

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**A/N: A little PSA: I'm currently accepting prompts for absolutely anything over in my tumblr ask as part of a Fic War I'm participating in. So go and fill it with all sorts of wonderful ideas because you are currently helping me prepare for uni (yay for creative writing majors) by asking me to write :p**

**Otherwise, I hope you're enjoying this. There's only a few more chapters left but (if I pull it off) it's gonna get pretty intense. Thanks for reading –Em xoxo**


	9. Chapter 9

Warnings: Cheating, sex(ish), breakdown, swearing

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 9:**

Sebastian found himself back in the practice tent. The trapezes were lowered from when Olga and Stefan had been practicing that afternoon and Sebastian was enjoying being able to sit and swing away. He was trying not to be angry at Nick, he knew it wasn't his fault that he was so out of it but it still hurt. He just needed to talk – was that so much to ask?

Sebastian almost fell off the trapeze when he looked around and found Adam swinging beside him.

"W-What are you doing here? I thought the others had taken you out to celebrate." It was hard for Sebastian to hide the shock in his voice. It almost felt as if Adam was following him.

"I've always been a more private person. I snuck away when they started doing body shots off of Ana and Olga. Attractive and funny, but not really my style," Adam shrugged before looking to Sebastian. "But are you okay? You seem upset…"

"Yeah," Sebastian sighed. "My boyfriend, the one you're replacing in the power track, he's just out of it at the moment…"

"What actually happened with that? Stan only said that there'd been an accident."

"The guy who was spotting one night, he let Nick fall," Sebastian swallowed harshly and turned away. "Nick broke his arm; he's in a lot of pain, on lots of meds."

"That can't be easy for you." Adam's voice was softer and Sebastian felt something stir within him.

"I don't mind having to look after him but – I can't even talk to him! He's so tired all the time and I never get to see him. I just want him to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay but he can't because he's in so much pain and I feel like I'm losing him even though I'm not and I just want somebody to love-"

Sebastian's rant was cut short by Adam's lips on his. He gasped softly into the kiss before Adam pulled his arms around his neck. He felt Adam's hands on his hips and was surprised at the groan Adam managed to pull from him. He kissed Adam back, pulling him closer. Why didn't this feel wrong? Why did it feel so damn good?

Adam broke the kiss but didn't pull away, smiling against Sebastian's lips. "Come on, come back to my room. We'll talk."

"Or not," Sebastian whispered huskily. He let Adam take his hand and they headed back to the hotel. The streets were empty and Sebastian felt nervous but in a good way. He could feel the adrenaline rushing through him, numbing the guilt he knew was bubbling just below the surface.

Adam's room was just down the hall from Nick and Sebastian's but Sebastian found he didn't care. He just hoped no one heard them. As soon as the door closed behind them, Adam was on Sebastian before they could even turn on a light. Adam held Sebastian close, kissing him hard before he pushed him down onto the bed. Adam pulled his shirt off before he climbed over Sebastian, watching him with a smile from where he hovered before he leaned down and caught his lips again.

Kissing Adam was different, Sebastian realised – though he wasn't sure if that was just because he was cheating on Nick. But he still didn't care about that and it worried him.

Sebastian moaned softly when he felt Adam's tongue against his lips. Letting Adam closer brought on a new wave of feeling and Sebastian couldn't help the whimpers and groans that kept tumbling out from within him. He slid his hands over Adam's back before pulling away just long enough to take off his own jumper. He shivered as the cool air was replaced by Adam's warm body before he let the man roll them over. Sebastian sucked in deep breaths, chuckling softly to himself as he ran his hands over Adam's chest before leaning down and kissing him again.

Sebastian had missed fooling around like this, even if it had only been a week. He let Adam tease him, smacking his hands away when it became too much before going back for more. He couldn't deny the hardness in his jeans but he wasn't sure if this was what he wanted yet. He was just enjoying the connection.

As they lay on their sides facing each other and swapping gentle kisses, Sebastian felt Adam's hand slide down between them. He tensed slightly as Adam undid the fly of his jeans before gasping as Adam's hand slip into his shorts and around his cock.

"Is this okay?" Adam whispered, watching Sebastian with a lustful expression.

"Y-Yeah," Sebastian muttered. He kissed Adam again, trying to distract himself, but one firm stroke of Adam's thumb was enough to make him realise what he was doing.

"Oh god," Sebastian groaned as he shoved himself away from Adam. "Oh god, what am I doing?"

Adam sat up. "It's okay. We don't have to fuck. Just calm-"

"He'll fucking hate me," Sebastian whispered as the tears welled in his eyes. "Oh god Nick, I'm so fucking sorry…"

Sebastian descended into tears and Adam began to freak out himself. This hadn't been a part of the plan. He pulled on his shirt again before carefully holding a hand to Sebastian's cheek.

"Bas, I need you to tell me where Nick is."

"O-One fourteen," Sebastian croaked out before he curled in on himself. "I'm such an asshole."

"I'm gonna go and find Nick, alright? I'll be back soon."

Sebastian didn't answer so Adam headed off down the hall. Halfway down, one of the other White Angels stepped out of their room.

"Hey, did you find him?"

"Yes and as soon as I got his pants off he broke down," Adam spat before shaking his head. "I never should have listened to you idiots. You're ruining the kid's life."

"His relationship is ruining our act!"

"Sebastian isn't the one betraying the team, Oskar," Adam said levelly before shoving him aside. He had to find Nick. Sebastian shouldn't be alone.

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**A/N: I really am mean to these boys… but they'll be okay :) Not without a little angst but y'know, whatever.**

**I'm aiming to finish this fic off and then update Pepperoni with Extra Romance but I've also got a kid!Klaine prompt to fill (which I have no idea what to do with hahaha). If you want to prompt me stuff for the Fic War I'm participating in, feel free. The only rule is that it has to be feels-inducing, angst or fluff, good or bad, challenging or not (though preferably challenging).**

**I hope you're enjoying the fic :) –Em xoxo**


	10. Chapter 10

Warnings: Self-harm, suicide, medical squick

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 10:**

Adam was nervous as he waited for Nick to open the door. He knew the guy was drugged out of his mind but this was ridiculous. He banged his fist on the door again before it finally opened, revealing a confused Nick staring up at him.

"Adam? What is it? It's one in the morning…"

"You need to come with me. Sebastian and I were – hanging out and he just started crying. I don't know how to help him!" Adam explained exasperatedly.

"What? Why was he with you?" Nick asked before shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. Where is he?"

"He's in my room," Adam answered before they made their way back down the empty hall.

Bursting into Adam's room, they were horrified to find Sebastian sitting on the bed with a razorblade poised over his wrist. Nick yelled his name as Adam tackled the blade away from Sebastian. Sebastian tried to grab it off him but only succeeded in falling off the bed. Nick rushed forward, pulling Sebastian against him.

"Sebastian? Seb, what happened? What's wrong?" Nick asked quickly. He reached up and flicked on the lamp on the nightstand. Sebastian was covered in blood and he was shaking but Nick couldn't tell whether it was from crying or if something else was wrong.

"Sebastian, you need to talk to me," Nick tried again but he got no response. "Adam?"

Adam appeared from the bathroom, a grim look upon his face. "My sleeping pills are gone."

Nick felt as if his eyes would pop out of his head. He looked back down at Sebastian to see his boyfriend's eyes were drifting closed.

"No! No, you are not dying, Sebastian Smythe!" Nick yelled. "Adam, find Stan!"

Adam nodded before he ran from the room. Nick got to his feet before he grabbed Sebastian's hand and began dragging him across the floor to the bathroom.

"Wake up Sebastian, you have to wake up!" Nick cried. When he reached the bathroom, he leaned Sebastian against the bathtub. He slapped Sebastian's face, crying for him to wake up but he was unconscious. Looking down, Nick found the deep gashes in Sebastian's arms and felt himself begin to cry as he clamped his hand over the cuts but it wasn't enough.

"You have to wake up, Seb," he whispered brokenly. "You have to wake up so I can tell you I love you again. Because I do. Whatever happened, I still love you. God, I thought we were managing. I'm so sorry, Seb!"

"Nick!"

"We're in the bathroom, Stan!" Nick called over his shoulder. When the man came in, Nick shuffled away from Sebastian and let Adam pull him to his feet.

"Stan's called for an ambulance, he's gonna be alright," Adam said as Nick sat down on the bed. "Try and take some deep breaths, don't want you going into shock."

Nick breathed and watched sadly on as the paramedics arrived and Sebastian was swept away. Stan stayed with Adam and Nick, watching the pair worriedly.

"Boys, you're gonna have to explain to me what's happened tonight…"

"I found Sebastian in the practice tent. He was upset so we came back here. The White Angels, Oskar and his friends, they asked me to try and break Nick and Sebastian up. Though in fewer words, I only figured it out when Sebastian was crying." Adam looked to Nick apologetically. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I kissed him, we fooled around a little – it didn't mean anything."

Nick shook his head. "I'm not angry, Adam… I just want him back…"

"The paramedics said he should be alright," Stan murmured. "I'll call a meeting some time tomorrow and we'll put a stop to this once and for all. You two go and get some sleep though, alright?"

They nodded and got to their feet. Just before they left, Nick looked back to Stan.

"Stan, why do you care about him so much?" Nick asked tearfully.

"Because Sebastian is the kind of boy I wanted my son to be," Stan said simply. "Go to bed, Nick. I'll take you to the hospital in the morning."

Nick nodded again before he and Adam headed back to his room. It was going to be a long night.

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In the morning, Nick woke and immediately went to find Stan. Keeping his promise, the tour manager took Nick to the hospital to see Sebastian.

"Don't expect him to be too coherent. I got a call from his doctor this morning and he's alright but he's exhausted. He's put himself through the ringer," Stan explained. "Just remind him that you love him and that it's all going to be okay."

Nick nodded. "I can do that."

They reached the hospital and Nick began to feel scared but he swallowed it down when they arrived outside Sebastian's room. His doctor was waiting for him with a sober expression.

"How is he?" Stan asked.

"He's doing well. You should be able to take him home tonight or tomorrow. I presume the safety measures we spoke about earlier are being put in place?"

"As we speak."

"What safety measures?" Nick asked, hating to cut in.

"This is all off the books," Stan started. "Sebastian can only come with us under specific circumstances. He'll need to do conference calls with a counsellor every second day and we need to make sure he isn't cutting himself."

Nick nodded. He didn't like the idea but he wasn't about to leave Sebastian in some foreign country or let him be sent home.

"Is there anything else we need to know?" Stan asked.

"He won't be able to perform for a few days, his co-ordination and his balance will be off until the sleeping pills are out of his system. But other than that, he should be alright."

"Thank you," Stan glanced to Nick. "Can we see him?"

"Of course. Just be gentle with him."

Stan nodded before he and Nick slipped into the room. It was dark except for a light off to the side. Sebastian seemed peaceful as he slept, despite the bandages around his arms and the bags under his eyes.

"I spoke to him briefly on the phone," Stan murmured as Nick sat on the edge of the bed. "He asked where you were, if you were okay."

"He cares too much about me," Nick whispered as he tucked Sebastian's hair behind his ear. "Not enough about himself…"

"He'll get better. He's much better than he was when I met him."

"What was he like when you met him?"

Stan chuckled softly. "He was a stubborn little boy who just wanted to show that he could be great. And he was – I made sure of that."

Nick smiled at Stan before looking back to Sebastian as he stirred. His eyes flickered open before focusing on Nick.

"Nick…" He reached up and gently trailed his fingers over Nick's cheek. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be," Nick murmured. "You're safe, that's all I need to know."

"I didn't mean to… I love you."

Nick took Sebastian's hand, kissing his fingers. "I love you too."

"We're gonna sort this out, Sebastian. We're gonna fix this," Stan said. "They don't hurt my boy and get away with it."

Nick could see the thankfulness in Sebastian's eyes. He hadn't ever seen the boy so happy before.

.

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**A/N: Naww cute ending :p You're allowed to throw things, I don't mind. Only one more chapter but I think it might be a little long, I'm not sure. I hope you liked this though :) Thank you very much for reading –Em xoxo**


	11. Chapter 11

Warnings: Talk of past suicide attempt, swearing,

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and am in no way affiliated with Cirque du Soleil.

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**CHAPTER 11:**

It was a few days before Stan called a meeting under the big top. Sebastian, Nick and Adam all arrived early before realising it had been a stupid idea. Their anxiety soared as they waited, watching as other performers filed in one by one.

"This was a stupid idea," Sebastian muttered as he held his torso. "This isn't going to solve anything."

"It will," Nick murmured with a soft kiss to Sebastian's cheek.

"You'll be fine, Seb. Stan's gonna take care of everything," Adam added. "It's all gonna be okay."

Sebastian didn't believe him but most – if not all – of the troupe were there now, sitting amongst the stands or on the stage. Stan climbed up on his storage box stage and began his spiel.

"The other night, there was an incident that almost cost us one of our best performers. And while I realise that _Alegria_ deals with some dark themes and subjects, at its root the show is about joy. It's about coming together, despite all obstacles and differences and celebrating life. And I'm afraid that's something we've not been very good at this tour."

There was a short pause, people agreeing or disagreeing to what Stan said before Ana spoke up.

"Stan, what happened? Should we be concerned?" she asked.

"I don't feel that it's my place to say what happened. If the persons involved want to explain it, they can," Stan replied.

Sebastian felt the weight of what they had kept secret then and before he could stop himself, he had gotten to his feet.

"You don't have to worry, Ana. I um, I freaked out and-" Sebastian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I tried to kill myself."

Murmurs and gasps moved through the crowd and Sebastian opened his eyes just in time to watch as Ana wrapped her arms around him. She cried into his chest and Sebastian slowly hugged her back, hating that he could make her feel that way.

"W-Why?" Oskar asked, obviously horrified.

"Because you guys were trying to break Nick and me up… I couldn't deal with it. He was the one thing that was making me happy and you tried to take him from me. I almost thought you'd won – I hated myself for what I'd done. And I wish I could want the same thing for you but I'm not that fucked up."

"Why didn't you just come and talk to us? We would have stopped…"

Adam butted in then, angry. "Sebastian couldn't come and talk to you about it! You'd trapped him between loyalties! And I know it's corny but our characters are meant to be guardians, we're supposed to look after each other. You people forgot that. Sebastian just wanted to be happy – why couldn't you let him?"

Oskar looked back to Sebastian, his eyes wide. "Is that true?"

Sebastian nodded sheepishly. "I didn't want to lose my friends, even if they were being total asses."

Oskar replaced Ana then, wrapping Sebastian in a warm embrace. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry we didn't see it."

Sebastian nodded but he had no words. Oskar soon pulled away from him, turning instead to Nick and Adam.

"We don't deserve your forgiveness but … on behalf of my team, I apologise."

"Of course we forgive you," Nick replied. "How would we refusing make anything better?"

Oskar laughed. "Yes, I suppose you're right." They shook hands before turning back to Stan.

"Well… I suppose we had all better go and get ready for tonight's show. Sebastian, will you be joining us?" Stan asked.

Sebastian nodded surely. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

There was a round of cheers and applause before the troupe set about preparing for the show.

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Sebastian was giddy with excitement when it came time for him to perform that night. It felt like every worry he'd ever had had disappeared and as he pushed himself up onto the bar, he knew tonight was going to be something special.

The first few jumps were nothing spectacular but when it came to Sebastian being thrown from one bar to the other, he saw something that made it all easier. Nick was sitting in the front row, smiling brightly. Sebastian felt his spirit soar as he signalled that he was ready, Oskar and Adam throwing him across. Sebastian flew through the air and heard the wind whistle in his ears before he landed. He threw his arms up as the crowd cheered and he forced his laughter down.

So that was what it felt like to really _fly_.

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**A/N: Yay for corny endings. I'm sorry this is so short. Turns out my long outline for the chapter was mostly dialogue and waffling on :p But I hope you've enjoyed this, I've enjoyed writing it. And I promise I will actually go and work on an update for "Pepperoni with Extra Romance" now. Well, as soon as I've done some stuff. But thank you very much for reading :) –Em xoxo**


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